10 Years or Pay Up!

There was glamour...there was excitement...there was screaming...there were bad parents...there were self-centered brides, and egotistical grooms...and yes, there were a lot of really great people too, but does that make for a good story? Oh, I had it all, livng the life of a glamourous wedding planner in Tinsel Town.

So this weeks writing prompt, "Tell me your most humorous wedding experience," was tricky - do I write about the photographer who puked in the Ritz Carlton's palm trees, the mother of the bride who bribed the DJ to play a Garth Brook's song so her new son-in-law (who hates country music) would leave and then she drank a toast to what an asshole he was, or even my own personal wedding tale...Oh no, I will save those for later. Instead I shall share this little family gem with you. Please remember names have been changed to protect the guilty!


It begins with a bride named Katie - now she was one bride in a long string of brides named Katie and each "Katie wedding" had a problem, an issue, or simply too much drama - I am very cautious when a bride calls and tells me her name is Katie (my apologies to the Katie's of the world).


Katie and her fiance (Mr. Katie) were young, so very young. I was definitely concerned about their ages. Once I met Mom and Dad who were (or seemed to be from my perspective anyway) caring, devoted, and concerned parents, I was sold...after all just because they are young doesn't mean they don't know what they are doing, right? They showed great happiness for the wedding and took great care in making the plans. So, with this in mind, I was on board.


The planning was easy...but then came the wedding day. Mom and Dad had really spared no expense. The wedding was at a historical church and the reception at a luxury resort overlooking the Pacific. They hired the best photographers, musicians, and florists...what could go wrong? Little did I know the heart shaped bouquet (that even the florist hated) was the least of my concerns.


The morning of the wedding started off tame...until the ever-eloquent bride showed up hooting and hollering out of the window of a Hummer limo. Did I mention this was a quaint church wedding? She disembarked from the Hummer using every foul word - and a few new ones - known to man, as the church lady watched. Not a good way to start off the day with the church lady. (I {heart} church ladies by the way.)


One I get the mouths all washed out and the teenagers corralled the family begins showing up. While many of them resemble members of my own family (oh, I digress, but just know that is not necessarily good), here comes the Groom's Dad (GD) with his Hussy. Yes, Mr. Katie's parents had separated like 2 weeks earlier because the mom has discovered GD was having an affair with Hussy. So, it is all out in the open, right...why shouldn't he bring her to the wedding...and, oh yeah, "Can you get her a corsage too? I mean she is kind of family!"


This sends Mr. Katie into a tail spin...he is going off about how he is going to kick his dad's ass. Mr. Katie's sister is standing on the church steps screaming into a cell phone about what a piece of crap GD is and what a slut the Hussy is (well, she did have a point!). The bride's father is able to talk Mr. Katie down while my assistant and I take care of the rest of the mayhem. I figure we need the groom - the sister we can do without, if necessary.


Finally the ceremony goes off without a hitch - weren't there already enough? During the obligatory photo session that follows the ceremony, the groom decides it would be cute to munch on his brides breasts right there on the altar...can you say "Get out of my church?" - Really loud and really fast! Yes, they were thrown out of the church.

Off to the reception…The beautiful luxury 5-star resort with sweeping views was disgustingly decorated with pink misshapen heart-shaped floral arrangements. (PUKE!). And yes, while a cash bar is a no-no at a wedding, even the venue suggested it, as it was the only way to keep the teenagers from drinking (the groom was not even legal yet). So, we had - gasp!- a cash bar...I shudder.


As you may imagine, the remainder of the evening was filled with inappropriate shenanigans and lots of teenagers trying to get drinks from the bar. Oh the joy and class of it all. How did I get here?

Finally the evening ends and the bride and groom ride off to wherever you go to get drunk when you are underage. I am left chatting with the parents, commending them on their lovely choices for the evening. Then, Dad looks at me and says "I hope it lasts. If they don't make it ten years, Katie signed a contract -she has to pay us back." Ahhh...true love!


P.S. One year later, I received a phone call that was a referral from Katie. I asked how Katie and Mr. Katie were doing...They didn't make it one year - my only couple to divorce - and I am unaware of the current payment situation.